Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why I am Not Going to Go Crazy this Time

I am not sad that I will not be having a “normal” delivery. Who in their right mind would want to do THAT, anyway? The pushing, the panting, the staring at your own exposed “area” in the mirror until the baby emerges. Nah, a c-section is fine by me. I did it before and I can do it again. The surgery itself is the least of my concerns.

If you are related to me, then you may know that I went a little crazy after I had Doug. I thought I was prepared. I thought knew the drill.

Hospital-Epidural-Baby-Love-Home-Health-Happiness.

And everything was great at first. Post-surgery pain was a cake-walk compared to nine months of morning sickness. I felt on top of the world after giving birth.

In fact, I felt so good that I decided to leave the hospital early. True, a doctor had just sawed open my body, yanked out a few internal organs (and 8.5 ib baby), scraped out my insides, and stapled me back together… but I wouldn’t let that keep me from being the best damn mother in the world.

We went home and I began my motherly duties. I had a hard time accepting help from my mother or husband. I was Super Mommy. I didn’t need naps. I didn’t need pain meds. I just needed to do what came naturally… mothering.

But mothering didn’t come naturally. Breastfeeding was not working. Doug was frustrated. I was crying.

I am failing.

And I didn’t love Doug the way that I was supposed to—the way I had been told I would. I thought he was cute. I liked him. But he was a stranger to me.

What is wrong with me? I am a horrible mother and a horrible person.

Then I caught some sort of flu. My old friend, Nausea, never left the building after all. Sneaky booger.

I am never going to feel better. I am ALWAYS going to feel sick.

I am so tired.

My body hurts.

I can’t do this!

So, I had a few panic attacks… in front of my husband, in front of my mother, in front of my mother-in-law. I felt so naked. So embarrassed. So sad.

I was another victim of post-partum hormones. It is real. It is awful.

Needless to say, I overcame all of these problems. With the help of medication, rest, loving families, and priesthood blessings I was restored to full sanity and health after a few feverish weeks.

And I learned that I did indeed love my son and that I was a decent mommy after all. Thank heavens.

I survived.

And I will use that experience to strengthen the next. I am going in to this delivery with realistic expectations. I am going to stay in the hospital as long as I want. I am going to start my Zoloft before the doctor can even say “It’s a girl.” I am going to let my mommy and my husband take care of me. I am going to love my baby in the way that I love her, and not the way I think I am suppose to love her. And I will be prepared for the inevitable bumps and bruises along the way.

7 comments:

Bart said...

Expectations going into things are so important, aren't they?

Thanks for sharing your experience. Post-partum depression is something I definitely want to be aware of and ready for, just in case.

Kristy said...

Wow, Bethany. What a great post.

Ryan said...

Very heart-felt. I will stand by your side through it all and hope that I can be of some help. I love you.

Heather & Trevor said...

AMEN! I have to say that having a C-section and some VERY similar feelings, I am totally with you on this post! It is so hard! I to wanted to have a "NORMAL" delivery and now may never have one. But who cares! We are alive, well and have the cutest kids in the world! You are SUPER mommy! :) Hope you feel better this time around! My thoughts are with you ! :)

Mom said...

I am girding up my loins, just in case.

Whatever "it" turns out to be, I will be there to love you through it.

I can't wait to meet my little granddaughter. If she is anywhere close to as wonderful as her brother, we're all in for a lot of joy.

The Evans Family said...

You are amazing! I am so excited that you are almost a mommy of 2! It is a work in progress, but I have found with myself that I have to have flexible expectations in life, especially when it comes to being a wife and mother. If I worry about how I really want everything to go in those categories, then I just stress myself out and I make myself and everybody around me miserable! I still struggle with trying to meet my expectations and others, but they usually are not realistic and are not as important as I originally thought that they were. We are lucky to have people in our lives that love and support us! Rick is so thoughtful and appreciative of me!!! I love you Bethany! You are amazing!

Anonymous said...

Whatever comes this time you will handle it. You did last time just fine and you will handle what comes this time too.

Love,
Cindy