Friday, August 22, 2008

Almost Famous

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think you were my best friend? Well, you're not. Not anymore at least. Hope you don't mind, but I am demoting you to back-up auxiliary friend. Your replacement:


I call her Chels. But only I can call her that because she's MY best friend. Yup, we're peas and carrots, me and Chels.

...okay, so I lied. Chelsea didn't know me before tonight. In fact, she may even be currently filing a restraining order against me.

Earlier today I heard that she (along with Gev and Matt) would be performing at the Scera Shell in Provo. I immediately bought tickets. Then, right before the show, I saw her. And since I've had a crush on her since day one of SYTYCD, I had to get my picture with her.

Even though I felt a little afraid, I leaped from my seat and plowed down the aisle--knocking a little girl's popcorn all over the ground--but not looking back lest I miss my opportunity (Ryan stopped and apologized for me and offered to buy the girl a new popcorn). I waited amongst a throng of fans and finally pushed myself to the front. I grabbed Chelsea by her itsy-bitsy waist and grinned wildly at the camera. Ryan took a picture. Then, I preceded to tell her that I loved her and that she was my favorite and that she should be my best friend and that she should be my babies' godmother.

She said thanks.

Ryan and I went back to our seats and I asked Ryan if he thought I did a good job and if he thought Chelsea liked me. He just smiled.

Here's also a picture of me and Matt. I feel so happy.

And this is GEV!!!! Notice how his torso seems to be a little backwards. He's THAT good.

And this is the love of my life, Ryan. I will repay him for taking me to this dance show by watching three UFC tournaments with him and drinking lots of Dr. Pepper.. Thanks Babe!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ventricle Garden

My in-laws think we are living with them because our condo isn’t ready yet. Well nope. The real reason we are living with them is as follows:

Corn on the cob
Bell peppers
Chili peppers
And Pumpkins


We are just using Ryan’s parents for their garden, and oh baby, you should see it. WHEW WEEEEE! The tomato bushes are dripping with gorgeous plump fruit, the corn on the cob tastes like buttery candy, and the peppers… well, you know how I feel about those bad boys.

I’m in heaven.

Armed with plastic bowls and evil intentions, Doug and I have been taking daily tours of the garden. Our mouthes water as we rip the fresh juicy offspring from its mother-bush and plop it into the shadowy tupperware of doom. Those little veggies don’t stand a chance against the likes of us. (Correction. My Mouth waters. Doug's mouth does not react to anything that is not deep-fried and dipped in ketchup.)

We prance giddily through the vines and wisps I prompt Doug to say “vegetable garden” over and over. I laugh every time because he pronounces it “ventricle garden.” I told Sierra about Doug’s pronunciation earlier this morning while visiting her at her new apartment. She colored slightly and asked “Isn’t a ventricle…er… part of male… erm… anatomy?”

No Sierra, no.

Anywho, I have been backstroking in homemade salsa, fresh salads and tender white corn all month long. And not paying rent. And it’s been fantastic.

Oh, and to the Lee’s: We do love your garden, but we don’t love you for that reason alone. Your homemade whole wheat bread also kicks butt.

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Promised Otter Pop Story

I placed the Sally Hansen Hot Wax in the microwave and pressed the start button. As the smell of perfumed wax flooded the kitchen, I moved to the bedroom to continue the daunting task of filling yet another gigantic cardboard box with junk.

Beep Beep Beep.

I taped the box closed and went back into the kitchen. The wax was ready.

(Oh go ahead, ask. I know you’re dying to know what part of myself I was going to wax. Well, take your pick, my friend. I’m basically a human chia pet.)

I opened the microwave door and reached in… and OH MY HECK ... the wax leaped forth and bit my hand.

Ahhhh!” I screamed and ran to the sink. The cold water from the faucet felt more like molten lava against my compromised skin. The scent of the hot wax was soon replaced by the odor of melted flesh and thick putrid regret.

“I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I did that,” I repeated as I peeled the hardened wax, and with it my skin, off of my trembling hand. “And today of all days.”

It was the last day for me to pack before the cubs and I would take a flight to Utah. Ryan and I had to finish packing, do the laundry, fill the suitcases, deep-clean the house, and feed the cubs. How on earth was this all to be accomplished with third-degree(ish) burns all over my right hand?

And how was I going to explain my charred flesh to inquiring minds? “This old thing? It’s just a scar I received while trying to rid myself of unsightly facial hair.” I think NOT.

And most importantly, how was I going to do my hair with my vital "round-brushing" hand in such a sorry condition?

Enter the Otter Pops. A whole freezer full of them.

I’d hold an Otter Pop while sweeping the floor and rotate in a fresh Otter Pop for pairing the clean socks. Etc. Etc. Etc.

And in case you were wondering, it is entirely possible to change a stinky bum with one hand concurrently caressing a soupy grape Popsicle.

Thirteen sweet hours. That’s how long I cleaved to an Otter Pop.

I woke up the next day feeling significantly better (and craving trout, strangely.)