Monday, August 18, 2008

The Promised Otter Pop Story

I placed the Sally Hansen Hot Wax in the microwave and pressed the start button. As the smell of perfumed wax flooded the kitchen, I moved to the bedroom to continue the daunting task of filling yet another gigantic cardboard box with junk.

Beep Beep Beep.

I taped the box closed and went back into the kitchen. The wax was ready.

(Oh go ahead, ask. I know you’re dying to know what part of myself I was going to wax. Well, take your pick, my friend. I’m basically a human chia pet.)

I opened the microwave door and reached in… and OH MY HECK ... the wax leaped forth and bit my hand.

Ahhhh!” I screamed and ran to the sink. The cold water from the faucet felt more like molten lava against my compromised skin. The scent of the hot wax was soon replaced by the odor of melted flesh and thick putrid regret.

“I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I did that,” I repeated as I peeled the hardened wax, and with it my skin, off of my trembling hand. “And today of all days.”

It was the last day for me to pack before the cubs and I would take a flight to Utah. Ryan and I had to finish packing, do the laundry, fill the suitcases, deep-clean the house, and feed the cubs. How on earth was this all to be accomplished with third-degree(ish) burns all over my right hand?

And how was I going to explain my charred flesh to inquiring minds? “This old thing? It’s just a scar I received while trying to rid myself of unsightly facial hair.” I think NOT.

And most importantly, how was I going to do my hair with my vital "round-brushing" hand in such a sorry condition?

Enter the Otter Pops. A whole freezer full of them.

I’d hold an Otter Pop while sweeping the floor and rotate in a fresh Otter Pop for pairing the clean socks. Etc. Etc. Etc.

And in case you were wondering, it is entirely possible to change a stinky bum with one hand concurrently caressing a soupy grape Popsicle.

Thirteen sweet hours. That’s how long I cleaved to an Otter Pop.

I woke up the next day feeling significantly better (and craving trout, strangely.)


Kristy said...

HahahaHA! That is so sad, but so stinkin' funny.

Chris and Tara Mason said...

Wax- it is an evil necessity! I'm glad that your hand got better! And, not to diminish your experience, but at least you were burned on your hand rather than the area that you were waxing. At least you can say you burned it on a curling iron or something - it would have been a little obvious had you burned your upper lip/eyebrow area! :)

Audrey said...

Yay!!!! You're back. I've missed you and we've never even met!
Now, it's your duty to write to Otter Pops and tell them how they saved your life--perhaps they'll reward you with a lifetime supply?
And, facial hair huh? Suuuure.

birdbabies said...

hooray hooray, you are going to be in utah! i can't wait to get together (cause whether or not you want to...we will get together) :) where in utah are you moving? i'm so sorry about the wax. i have nothing to add, no funny story of my own to share, just that i'm sorry you burned your hand. glad its feeling better, now if we could just take care of that trout craving.....

Rachel Evans said...

Crazy! Remind me to never ask you to wax anything on me! :) You poor thing! I keep thinking of all of the bandages that my mom put on you hand when you got here. It made it huge beacon for everyone to stare at and then say, "What did you do". Now you can just refer then to your blog. I am so happy that you guys are here! We had a blast hanging out with you and your fam! Boston woke up saying, "Where's Doug"? I love it! Thank you for planning such a fun reunion!

Jessie said...

Have you moved yet? What part of Utah will you be living? I would love to get together for lunch or something sometime!

Nicole said...

Ouch!!! Painful, but funny!! Just loved the story. Are you here yet? I emailed you my number so you better call me!! We need to go play!!

Dianna said...

You are a clever girl! I once sat with a wet paper towel on my neck all day after a wicked curling iron bit me. I feel your pain. Where was your Otter Pop idea when I needed it?