Green?

Jealousy. Perhaps the ugliest most horrible feeling in the world. Have you felt it before? Has it consumed you? Has it turned you into a green angry beast?

I used to suffer from jealousy. I say “suffer” because it was like a disease. At times I felt nauseated. At times it left me depressed. It made me an unpleasant person. Sometimes, it would defeat me.

Who I was jealous of? A friend, a friend that I loved. Why was I jealous? Because her eyelashes curled the right way, because she always knew how to bat them, because she was better at some things than me… I don’t know why, but I was.

I felt the heavy burden of it day after day. I remember praying every night to be free from the bonds of jealousy. It was not my favorite sin.

Why do I bring this up? I guess because I’m not that person anymore. Maybe I grew up. Maybe I am satisfied with my circumstances. Most likely, it’s because I am okay with myself.

And when good things happen to you, it does not make me feel like less of a person. Rather, I feel joy for you! I want to celebrate with you! I want to pour frothy rainbowy bubbles into your bath of happiness.

I like that about myself.

At risk of sounding like I am bragging, I would like to add that I still get a little envious here and again. The difference between jealousy and envy (according to me) is that jealously is feeling malice because someone has something you do not. Envying is wanting something that you do not have without actual malice towards the person who has it.

Here are a few reasons why I might envy you:

-You have good hair.
-You are a home owner.
-You don’t have to study to get good grades.
-You don’t vomit when you are pregnant.
-You have white teeth.
-You know what you want to do when you grow up.
-Your children obey you.
-You have good hair (did I say that already?)

What are you envious of?