Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Green?

Jealousy. Perhaps the ugliest most horrible feeling in the world. Have you felt it before? Has it consumed you? Has it turned you into a green angry beast?

I used to suffer from jealousy. I say “suffer” because it was like a disease. At times I felt nauseated. At times it left me depressed. It made me an unpleasant person. Sometimes, it would defeat me.

Who I was jealous of? A friend, a friend that I loved. Why was I jealous? Because her eyelashes curled the right way, because she always knew how to bat them, because she was better at some things than me… I don’t know why, but I was.

I felt the heavy burden of it day after day. I remember praying every night to be free from the bonds of jealousy. It was not my favorite sin.

Why do I bring this up? I guess because I’m not that person anymore. Maybe I grew up. Maybe I am satisfied with my circumstances. Most likely, it’s because I am okay with myself.

And when good things happen to you, it does not make me feel like less of a person. Rather, I feel joy for you! I want to celebrate with you! I want to pour frothy rainbowy bubbles into your bath of happiness.

I like that about myself.

At risk of sounding like I am bragging, I would like to add that I still get a little envious here and again. The difference between jealousy and envy (according to me) is that jealously is feeling malice because someone has something you do not. Envying is wanting something that you do not have without actual malice towards the person who has it.

Here are a few reasons why I might envy you:

-You have good hair.
-You are a home owner.
-You don’t have to study to get good grades.
-You don’t vomit when you are pregnant.
-You have white teeth.
-You know what you want to do when you grow up.
-Your children obey you.
-You have good hair (did I say that already?)

What are you envious of?

8 comments:

DeWald Family said...

I am envious of people who can be skinny. Not that I could not lose a few pounds, but no matter what I ever did my body was never built to be skinny. I envy everyone blessed to be born with "that" body type!

I also am envious of people who never yell at their children, yet somehow succeed in not allowing themselves to be doormats! How does that work?

Finally, I am envious of people who can keep their houses clean! Somehow I have to choose (even when I am not working!) between getting enough sleep or cleaning up around the house. I usually choose the sleep (or some other fun alternative...) and consequently my house is never clean!!!

Chris and Tara Mason said...

I am right with ya on envying people with good hair, obedient children, and especially those that don't have to study to get good grades (I mean, seriously, what is up with that?!)! I also envy people without stretch marks and varicose veins, people who don't need a ton of sleep, and people who handle stressful situations well. But I agree, it doesn't mean that I have any malice toward people that I envy - I just get embarrassed/frustrated about my nastay varicose veins and stretch marks!!!

Melanie said...

"I want to pour frothy rainbowy bubbles into your bath of happiness." - that's great writing!

Right now I'm envious of those girls that come off of their missions and just sail into a fabulous relationship that turns into marriage. If a rumor I recently heard turns out to be true, I might just have to write a whole post about this.

I'm also envious of those people that seem to be talented in all areas: they sing, they're smart, they play sports, they're good looking, and they're nice to other people so you can't hate them.

Evan & Rebecca Jones said...

Ohh this is a fun post. I'm envious of people who are creative - people who scrapbook and who easily make things cute. SOO not me! I'm also way envious of people who love to workout. I workout (well not now) but I hate doing it.

Dana said...

I'm envious of organized people, or people with good time management skills, for some reason I feel like I never get everything done that I want to. It gets really frustrating. There are lots of things I envy of others.

I too get frustrated with stretch marks!

I think that everyone feels jealous/envious sometimes. But I also think that the grass isn't always greener on the other side...everyone struggles with things...even if their life seems to have everything going their way, you really never know, they could have great eyelashes and super obedient kids, but they could be so unsure of themselves...??? (did that make any sense?)

I love you B Who

Kristy said...

Wow, I am envious of YOU, Bethany, because you are such a fabulous and entertaining writer. I'm also jealous of people who always look stylish and put together--not my talent.

Blake and Meg said...

Thank you for writing this post because just today Blake said that I am too hard on myself! I was downing a footlong Subway sandwich and a bag of chips and complaining about not being able to take off my baby weight. I am envious of mothers who look like they never had a baby when they come home from the hospital. But after reading everyone's posts it made me feel very normal to have this anxiety because everyone has them. So thank you for making me realize that it's okay to experience a little envy from time to time.

Jer and Jealin said...

Love this post. Can I just say 'ditto' to the comment above. I have always struggled with my weight and had several friends who could eat and do whatever they wanted and stay slender. I could use the excuse that I had a baby for awhile, but he is one now. I think I have used up that excuse!!

So I have looked at all the pics on your blog and I seriously don't think you have bad hair.