Monday, March 31, 2008

Bethanyisms (Perhaps the Worst Thing that had Ever Happened to Me... Ever)

I generally avoid writing about poop. Poop is unpleasant. Writing about it is impolite. The following story, nonetheless, must be recorded for posterity. Being that one of the central characters is indeed poop, its presence cannot go unmentioned. To make the story more palatable, however, I will omit the word “poop” altogether and substitute it with the less offensive codename “fluffy kitten.”

Still, this story is not for the faint of heart. Parents and parent-in-laws are strongly discouraged from reading this post. All others, read at your own risk.



And now, the story…

Ryan and I had been married for less than a month. We were madly in love and had moved into a button-sized apartment in downtown Provo; perfect for newlyweds with very little need for personal space. The apartment had one serious flaw, though. It had rather fickle pipes.

The toilet would gag and clog-up if a mere four squares of toilet paper were used rather than the standard three. Imagine what would happen if a fluffy kitten was involved.

On one such occasion (and I won’t say whose fluffy kitten it was, but I will say that it was not Ryan’s), rather than plunge the clog, I hoped the situation would dissolve on its own.

Nope.

So Ryan came home and decided to plunge it out himself.

Imagine how embarrassed I was. I had thus far kept the fact that I was even capable of fluffy kittens a well-guarded secret. Now he knew the truth.

Unbeknownst to me, the situation was about to get infinitely worse.

I heard the plunger, a flush, and then Ryan yelp. He came running out of the bathroom. “The toilet is overflowing and there are fluffy kittens everywhere!” he exclaimed.

I charged into bathroom and shut off the valve. Too late. I was ankle deep in diluted fluffy kittens. I was mortified.

Now, if Ryan had any sense at all he would’ve divorced me on the spot. Sure, he’d agreed to “in sickness and in health” but the contract said nothing about “in sickness and in fluffy kittens.” Nobody in their right mind would sign up for that.

As a testament of his love, however, Ryan stood by his wife and pulled out the mop.

Ryan and I made quite the team, him a chronic germaphobe, me a girl with an extremely sensitive gag reflex. We tied bandannas over our noses and dry-heaved as we filled industrial-sized garbage bags with sopping-wet bathroom towels.



Ryan hefted the full trash bags over his shoulder and made a dash for the dumpster. He had to run down three flights of stairs and down a rather long pathway to dump the trash.

On his way, he skidded passed a couple on their way to their apartment. The girl screamed and leapt into her husbands arms. Mind you, it was the middle of the night Ryan didn’t have on a shirt, and he had a red bandanna covering hid face (You'd be a little frightened, too).

The girl must have smelled the bags of soggy kitten because she quickly regained her composure and said “Oooooh” knowingly. Maybe the same thing had happened to them, too. We shared the same pathetic pipes after all.

After the majority of the mess had been cleaned up, Ryan called the plumber and made an appointment for the next day. We changed into clean clothes and got into bed. Ryan was very quiet, lost in his own thoughts.

“Babe?” I said, needing some reassurance that he still loved me.

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” he said, as if still in shock.

“Yes,” I replied. “...But this’ll make a funny story one day, right?”

No reply.

I stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

13 comments:

Chris and Tara Mason said...

Ooooh - that story is horrible! It's bad enough to have to deal with your own fluffy kitten, but to add foreign furry friends to the mix is just awful! I think you both are troopers!

Shauni said...

Oh Bethany I am falling off my chair laughing!!! You are so funny and oh I REALLY MISS YOU!

Evan & Rebecca Jones said...

You are seriously too funny! Who knew I could love a story about fluffy kittens so much? Bytheway - yea for you letting your little one cry it out - I think it is sooo hard but sooo worth it in the end. Oh and to answer your question - Colt completely ignores the fact that there is a baby brother coming. I'm thinking that this could be a bad sign...

DeWald Family said...

I must agree I have never liked cats... the animals that is, and now I can say that I can add Fluffy Kittens to the list of things I don't enjoy spending time with! What a terrible experience.

My husband and I don't share a bathroom. We did once, and unfortunately it was while I was pregnant. But, since that time we have made it a priority to live in a place with more than one bathroom. In our current home there is the boys bathroom (shared by all four boys) and then Mom's bathroom. It needs to be an emergency (or we have company) if mom grants you permission to use her toilet.

I must say that I enjoy the privacy of others not having reason to know about my fluffy kittens, and of course I really enjoy not having to deal with other kittens mewing around my space! (unfortunately I do need to go in the "boys" bathroom once a week to clean it, and I do have to help Nicholas still with the toilet and his teeth, but the pro's still outweigh the cons).

Heather said...

Too funny!!! I had a fluffy kitten experience just like that one, but I was still dating hubby at the time. I thought for sure we were doomed.

On another note, thanks for your prayers and love, Bethany!!! It means the world to us!!!

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Dana said...

Oh Bethany! That story is so funny. Fluffy Kitten stories are the best, because we all have them. Anyone who says they don't is lying!

Rachel Evans said...

Eeewww! Have you ever asked Ryan about his brown fluffy kitten shoes when he was in kindergarten? It's a funny story!

Anonymous said...

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