Monday, March 31, 2008

Bethanyisms (Perhaps the Worst Thing that had Ever Happened to Me... Ever)

I generally avoid writing about poop. Poop is unpleasant. Writing about it is impolite. The following story, nonetheless, must be recorded for posterity. Being that one of the central characters is indeed poop, its presence cannot go unmentioned. To make the story more palatable, however, I will omit the word “poop” altogether and substitute it with the less offensive codename “fluffy kitten.”

Still, this story is not for the faint of heart. Parents and parent-in-laws are strongly discouraged from reading this post. All others, read at your own risk.

And now, the story…

Ryan and I had been married for less than a month. We were madly in love and had moved into a button-sized apartment in downtown Provo; perfect for newlyweds with very little need for personal space. The apartment had one serious flaw, though. It had rather fickle pipes.

The toilet would gag and clog-up if a mere four squares of toilet paper were used rather than the standard three. Imagine what would happen if a fluffy kitten was involved.

On one such occasion (and I won’t say whose fluffy kitten it was, but I will say that it was not Ryan’s), rather than plunge the clog, I hoped the situation would dissolve on its own.


So Ryan came home and decided to plunge it out himself.

Imagine how embarrassed I was. I had thus far kept the fact that I was even capable of fluffy kittens a well-guarded secret. Now he knew the truth.

Unbeknownst to me, the situation was about to get infinitely worse.

I heard the plunger, a flush, and then Ryan yelp. He came running out of the bathroom. “The toilet is overflowing and there are fluffy kittens everywhere!” he exclaimed.

I charged into bathroom and shut off the valve. Too late. I was ankle deep in diluted fluffy kittens. I was mortified.

Now, if Ryan had any sense at all he would’ve divorced me on the spot. Sure, he’d agreed to “in sickness and in health” but the contract said nothing about “in sickness and in fluffy kittens.” Nobody in their right mind would sign up for that.

As a testament of his love, however, Ryan stood by his wife and pulled out the mop.

Ryan and I made quite the team, him a chronic germaphobe, me a girl with an extremely sensitive gag reflex. We tied bandannas over our noses and dry-heaved as we filled industrial-sized garbage bags with sopping-wet bathroom towels.

Ryan hefted the full trash bags over his shoulder and made a dash for the dumpster. He had to run down three flights of stairs and down a rather long pathway to dump the trash.

On his way, he skidded passed a couple on their way to their apartment. The girl screamed and leapt into her husbands arms. Mind you, it was the middle of the night Ryan didn’t have on a shirt, and he had a red bandanna covering hid face (You'd be a little frightened, too).

The girl must have smelled the bags of soggy kitten because she quickly regained her composure and said “Oooooh” knowingly. Maybe the same thing had happened to them, too. We shared the same pathetic pipes after all.

After the majority of the mess had been cleaned up, Ryan called the plumber and made an appointment for the next day. We changed into clean clothes and got into bed. Ryan was very quiet, lost in his own thoughts.

“Babe?” I said, needing some reassurance that he still loved me.

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” he said, as if still in shock.

“Yes,” I replied. “...But this’ll make a funny story one day, right?”

No reply.

I stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.


Chris and Tara Mason said...

Ooooh - that story is horrible! It's bad enough to have to deal with your own fluffy kitten, but to add foreign furry friends to the mix is just awful! I think you both are troopers!

Shauni said...

Oh Bethany I am falling off my chair laughing!!! You are so funny and oh I REALLY MISS YOU!

Evan & Rebecca Jones said...

You are seriously too funny! Who knew I could love a story about fluffy kittens so much? Bytheway - yea for you letting your little one cry it out - I think it is sooo hard but sooo worth it in the end. Oh and to answer your question - Colt completely ignores the fact that there is a baby brother coming. I'm thinking that this could be a bad sign...

DeWald Family said...

I must agree I have never liked cats... the animals that is, and now I can say that I can add Fluffy Kittens to the list of things I don't enjoy spending time with! What a terrible experience.

My husband and I don't share a bathroom. We did once, and unfortunately it was while I was pregnant. But, since that time we have made it a priority to live in a place with more than one bathroom. In our current home there is the boys bathroom (shared by all four boys) and then Mom's bathroom. It needs to be an emergency (or we have company) if mom grants you permission to use her toilet.

I must say that I enjoy the privacy of others not having reason to know about my fluffy kittens, and of course I really enjoy not having to deal with other kittens mewing around my space! (unfortunately I do need to go in the "boys" bathroom once a week to clean it, and I do have to help Nicholas still with the toilet and his teeth, but the pro's still outweigh the cons).

Heather said...

Too funny!!! I had a fluffy kitten experience just like that one, but I was still dating hubby at the time. I thought for sure we were doomed.

On another note, thanks for your prayers and love, Bethany!!! It means the world to us!!!

Aluguel de Computadores said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Aluguel de Computadores, I hope you enjoy. The address is A hug.

Dana said...

Oh Bethany! That story is so funny. Fluffy Kitten stories are the best, because we all have them. Anyone who says they don't is lying!

Rachel Evans said...

Eeewww! Have you ever asked Ryan about his brown fluffy kitten shoes when he was in kindergarten? It's a funny story!

Anonymous said...

RT @SheeeRatchet: She's a HOE because your boyfriend want her? She SCARY cause she don't entertain y'all? She UGLY cause you don't look like her? GROW TF UP!

------------------------------------------------------|[url=]led panel lighting[/url] [url=]led grow lights[/url] [url=]Led ceiling light[/url] [url=]led flood light[/url] [url=]led bulb[/url]

Anonymous said...

AFter you think oF the worF 'logo' what comes [url=]maggie sottero dresses[/url]
minF? Exactly what are the companies that instantly appear [url=]maggie sottero dresses 2013[/url]
minF? Nike, McFonalFs, Guess, Apple, IBM, Intel, anF many others. Probabilities Fo you think you're believeF oF no less than consiFereF one oF these companie[url=]maggie sottero dresses[/url]
Fo you are aware oF why? Very well because most Flourishing companies make investments signiFicant assets Furing the generation anF application oF their branF.

Anonymous said...

beats by dr dre cazrrdbz beats by dre swblctai beats dr dre huokmfgr beats for sale hffnitfp beats headphones usjvuliz cheap monster beats jxnisocy dr dre beats qgzwgguv dr dre headphones hmmvzkqh monster beats by dre zcatpzpj monster beats headphones ijojensa monster beats ulbyyaar monster headphones bzgbvgbs

Anonymous said...

cheap toms shoes kfyntirt cheap toms yhghnaiw toms on sale jfjouubf toms outlet lnizisyq toms sale nchnqbeb toms shoes on sale ecoufhbb toms shoes sale vrrfyhyb toms shoes fzbmzkwr

Anonymous said...

Tian Lian announces world bright and beautiful to surpass 6 people to take champion of medical list Olympic Games to be in row
2013-03-09 22:04:53 origin: Netease sports 0 people are participated in
International cropland couplet announces, 6 players are in contest of world bright and beautiful took a shot in the arm 2005, this includes many famous general among them, there is no lack of even contest of world bright and beautiful and winner of Olympic Games champion, chairman of international cropland couplet says cheater nowhere hides.
Netease sports reported on March 9: Beijing time on March 9 message, international cropland couplet announces formally, 6 players are in Helsinki world took banned medicaments in bright and beautiful contest 2005, this includes 3 world bright and beautiful to surpass Ci Keen of famous general of White Russia of hammer champion winner among them, and Diyake of chairman of international cropland couplet is being accepted " defend a newspaper " when interviewing, express to be able to let these cheater nowhere can hide. In the list of the personnel that take drug that publishs in international cropland couplet, famous spend top player to should belong to Ci Keen of famous general of hammer of White Russia man, surpass champion winner as 3 world bright and beautiful, ci Keen still was taken 2008 bronze medal of Beijing Olympic Games, and world bright and beautiful surpassed him 2005 is winner of man hammer champion, this world bright and beautiful surpasses Deweiyatuoweisiji of player of this project second place to also appear in the list that take drug. In addition, rice of player of White Russia shot overcomes Neiweiji and Naciya, and Ketuowa of famous general of long jump of woman of Kuzekewa of player of Russia woman hammer, Russia also appears in list, this among them Mikeneiweiji has been obtained world bright and beautiful surpassed champion 2003, 2008 bronze medal of shot of Olympic Games man, ketuowa was mixed 2000 results of two Olympic Games took bronze medal of woman long jump 2004, kuzekewa was 2004 the Olympic Games and world bright [url=]nike air max 90[/url] and beautiful surpassed woman hammer champion 2005, because Na Ciya did not pass the uric check last year, was stripped the shot gold of London Olympic Games.