Just...Bethany

I have a fear of failure. Maybe it’s not so much a fear but an expectation of failure. Just like everyone I have fallen off the horse a few times. I have brushed myself off and hopped back on. But somewhere along the line I decided that I don’t really like horses anyway, so why bother riding. I talk myself out of trying things because I am sure there is no hope of success. This, obviously, is self-defeating and foolish.

Thing is, I don’t want to become one of those women –women whose identity is lost in that of their husbands and children. I would imagine such a life would be unfulfilling. If I continue expecting failure in my personal endeavors I will surely join the ranks of women who are disoriented when they stand alone.

So I’ve had to ask myself: Who is Bethany? Yes, I am a woman who is proud of her exceptional husband and son (and daughter). But I am also a chef, an entertainer, a musician, a laugher, a taster, a feeler. I am an athlete, a worker, a teacher, a friend, a comedian, a reader and a writer. I am a dancer, a card player, a Saint, a sinner, a person. Yes, I am a failure but I am also a striver and a succeeder. I am a master of my own fate. I have too much to offer the world and myself to allow myself to be swallowed in self doubt.

So I am doing something for the sake of all that is Bethany. And I am not waiting any longer. I should have done it long ago but felt overwhelmed and under-qualified.

I started to write a book this week. As I scribble away I can see my many weaknesses as a writer. It is discouraging, but I can also see my potential. This book will be a long journey. Perhaps I will never even see it in print. But if that is the case, it will not be for a lack of trying. Therefore, I will have succeeded in doing something amazing … becoming a better Bethany.