Friday, June 24, 2011

Anxiety Sucks

Maybe the hardest week of my life. I do not write this for sympathy, but write in hopes that your prayers will be with me. I am not ashamed of what I am going through.

My pregnancy illness has evolved into sleepless nights, constant anxiety, and horrendous panic attacks. I spend each night awake shaking, throwing up, and feeling hopeless. I understand these feelings are created by myself (okay, and hormones) and I tell myself over and over that the anxiety cannot last forever. Right now, however, the anxiety feels bigger than me.

Here’s what my anxiety is telling me:

-You have ruined you and your family's lives by getting pregnant.
-You are selfish for medicating yourself while carrying a child.
-Your medications are never going to start working.
-You will never have a restful night ever again.
-This child is not worth it.

Anxiety is dramatic, isn’t it?

As I write this, my legs are shaking and I want to cry. I am willing myself to cry, but the tears are lodged as tightly as the air is lodged my chest.

It is now important to write about how I am blessed, because despite what I am going through, I know that my life is one of rare beauty and happiness. While it is hard to fully enjoy these blessings right now, I can certainly appreciate them.

-I have the most wonderful husband in the world. Heavenly Father created us for each other. Ryan is carrying me through this trial. Carrying me with courage, and understanding, and selflessness. I love him more than anything in the world. I love him so much. (Oh, the tears. They come now. They feel good).
-My children are lovely. They are good and happy, and so cute. If this next baby is anything like them, this suffering will be just a drop in the bucket.
-I am thankful for myself. Deep down inside, I am strong and I can get through this. I am a fun, loving, beautiful woman. I am not my anxiety.
-I am thankful for my family and all those who have rallied around me during this struggle. I have a hard time accepting service, but will do so now with gratitude and humility. Thank you.
-I am thankful for my Savior. He knows this pain. He will sustain me through this.


Jessie said...

I'm crying a little bit myself right now...being pregnant too and super emotional. I just want to say that you can do it Bethany! You are in our prayers.

Enrique and Lindsay said...

My goodness, you about made me cry! I'm sorry this is so hard on you, emotionally, mentally and physically! You will get through this! You can! And deep down you know that this baby IS absolutely worth it! We are praying for you.

Christina said...

Bethany, When I read this I wanted to jump on the next plane to see you. I know a little of something you are going through. I've suffered on and off with anxiety through out my life. I'm praying for you, and love you, and wish I was there to help you. I'm here if you need to talk.

Matt and Melissa said...

Oh Bethany I will definetly keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry your going through this trial but I know you can make it! I've dealt with anxiety a lot throughout my life and it totally stinks! Your awesome and your babies are lucky to have you!

...Laura... said...

Oh I'm so sorry. Anxiety does suck! I've suffered from anxiety for a long time, and when it gets bad, it's horrible. I've also had VERY emotional pregnancies that have not helped the anxiety or depression at all. You are not alone- I know how you feel. I hope you find some way to distract yourself from the emotions and take a lot of "you" time to find some relief.

Jake and Kim said...

I am so sorry you have to be like this. I really am. I know you can make it through and in the end you will bave a BEAUTIFULL baby to show for it! You are so amazing and strong.

Rachel Evans said...

I love you Bethany!!

The Hillan Family said...

I feel like I have known you forever. You are such an awesome person and I just love you tons!

The Hillan Family said...

I forgot to add: Hang in there, there is LIGHT at the end of this long, dark tunnel. You are learning so much right now and as uncomfortable as it may be, you are NEVER alone!

Jer and Jealin said...

Reading this post made me cry a little. I'm so sorry you are going through this! I will tell you that I believe the spirit you are carrying must be a very strong one! I had anxiety badly in my 2nd pregnancy. It's horrible, especially when you tack on the hormones and emotional roller coaster! Hang in there. AND don't feel guilty for taking meds while pregnant. I went through the same struggle. And I came to the conclusion that I was healthier with the meds than without. And being healthy (mentally and physically) is the most important thing during pregnancy. You're in my prayers woman!

Elaine Duree said...

I wish I could help. Those voices you need to GET THEM OUT out of your mind your body your home!
Poor girl I will pray for you.

With all my heart i hope you take each day to bask in the LOVE that your savior has for you. TO gain insight on your purpose here on earth. TO learn of the great work you are doing. I am not trying to assume you don't know these things.

I wish to help make your burden lighter, if there is any way I could. I live so far away but I will pray and hope you will receive all you need at this time.