Anxiety Sucks

Maybe the hardest week of my life. I do not write this for sympathy, but write in hopes that your prayers will be with me. I am not ashamed of what I am going through.

My pregnancy illness has evolved into sleepless nights, constant anxiety, and horrendous panic attacks. I spend each night awake shaking, throwing up, and feeling hopeless. I understand these feelings are created by myself (okay, and hormones) and I tell myself over and over that the anxiety cannot last forever. Right now, however, the anxiety feels bigger than me.

Here’s what my anxiety is telling me:

-You have ruined you and your family's lives by getting pregnant.
-You are selfish for medicating yourself while carrying a child.
-Your medications are never going to start working.
-You will never have a restful night ever again.
-This child is not worth it.

Anxiety is dramatic, isn’t it?

As I write this, my legs are shaking and I want to cry. I am willing myself to cry, but the tears are lodged as tightly as the air is lodged my chest.

It is now important to write about how I am blessed, because despite what I am going through, I know that my life is one of rare beauty and happiness. While it is hard to fully enjoy these blessings right now, I can certainly appreciate them.

-I have the most wonderful husband in the world. Heavenly Father created us for each other. Ryan is carrying me through this trial. Carrying me with courage, and understanding, and selflessness. I love him more than anything in the world. I love him so much. (Oh, the tears. They come now. They feel good).
-My children are lovely. They are good and happy, and so cute. If this next baby is anything like them, this suffering will be just a drop in the bucket.
-I am thankful for myself. Deep down inside, I am strong and I can get through this. I am a fun, loving, beautiful woman. I am not my anxiety.
-I am thankful for my family and all those who have rallied around me during this struggle. I have a hard time accepting service, but will do so now with gratitude and humility. Thank you.
-I am thankful for my Savior. He knows this pain. He will sustain me through this.

Here We Go

Despite the rules, I called a lot of people last week.

Me: “Guess what? I am pregnant!”
Them: “What! That’s great. How far along are you?”
Me: “Oh… about three and a half minutes.”
Them: “That far, eh?

It’s not that I have delayed gratification problems (although I do), it’s that I wanted to get the word out while I was still excited. I knew that those happy feelings would soon be replaced by what I am feeling right now and will continue to feel throughout my entire pregnancy:

DOOM.

I woke up in the middle of the night wrapped in the heavy blanket of morning sickness. I will be gripped in it, squeezed by it, for the next nine months. And, even though I am surrounded by people who love me and will help me, I feel so alone. I feel angry at my body for behaving this way. I feel guilty and selfish knowing that while I have to carry this sickness, my husband will have to carry everything else.

I take heart in knowing that this too shall pass, and in the end it will be worth it, but nothing can change the fact that this journey will be grueling.

I am so scared.