Monday, October 13, 2008


Since it’s been a while since I’ve written a really inappropriate post, or any post, and since for the first time in a month BOTH of my kids are taking a nap at the exact same time, I thought I’d write a little about my boobs—mainly that they’re FREE!!!!

It all came about suddenly, really. I was sitting there, nursing Kiana and out of nowhere I thought “Wow, I really don’t like this anymore. In fact, I don’t like it at all. I want to be done nursing this very instant.”

And so it was.

I pulled the Koala from my chest and went to the grocery store to buy some formula. And I haven’t looked back.

I enjoyed some aspects of nursing and feel proud of myself for hanging in there for nine months. The things I will NOT miss:

-The second I start lactating, my boobs are no longer breasts, but freakish misshapen MAMMORIES. They are gigantic factories of nutrition. Nothing sexy about that.

The following picture was taken one month after birthing Doug. I think it illustates my point nicely and also reminds me of the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low".
-The nursing lounge at church. I am sure it is clean in there, but is it really clean in there? How can I be sure? Also, there are always those awkward moments of being alone with a fellow breast-feeder that I don’t know well. I feel obligated to chat with them and tell them how cute their baby is, even though I can’t really see their baby because it is attached to their boob. So the situation forces me to lie. And lying is especially bad if done at church. And especially especially bad if the lie takes place while I am supposed to be paying attention to sacrament meeting over the speakers, but can’t because I am too busy lying about how cute the baby is, the one I can’t see.

-Nursing bras SUCK! After purchasing ten different bras, not ONE of them fit properly. So I’ve had a bra-wedgie for nine months.

-Then there is the leakage at inopportune moments. Lots of stories there. Too many to share.

Nursing wasn’t all bad though. There are some things I was very fond of:

-The nursing lounge at church. Nursing is a get-out-of-jail free card (JK… sort of). Last Mother’s Day, during the THIRD talk about the Priesthood (on MOTHER’S DAY), I slipped into the nursing lounge to gossip…er nurse… with the other ladies in the ward about how “not motherish” sacrament meeting was going. Many other fun moments were spent not paying attention to Sacrament meeting in that room. But that is bad.

-Nursing is the best diet ever.

-There were hundreds of tender moments shared with my little cubs while nourishing their little bodies. I felt magic watching them grow and knowing that it all stemmed from the food my body created so effortlessly. I got cuddles for free too, and who doesn’t like a free cuddle?

I celebrated my nine months of nursing success by tossing out my old nursing bras and buying some incredibly cute and incredibly comfy regular bras from GAP Body. I’m free. Now my boobs are mine, all mine!



Kristy said...

Ha ha! Amen about the mother's lounge--ours is a curtained-off section of the bathroom with two nasty old rocking chairs wedged in. Eew. If there's someone else there, I just wait because otherwise I have to pretty much climb in their laps to sit down. Eew eew.

Dana said...

Haha! good post. I know what you mean about reclaiming your boobs! It's such a bittersweet feeling to be done nursing!

Thanks so much for dinner tonight. It was DEE-LISH!
You are such a wonderful friend!

Evan and Rebecca Jones said...

Oh nursing...I love that you say what we're all thinking. I just finished nursing Cade and am amazed at how I've gone down about 4 sizes. Seriously.

But it's good to have them back.

Logan and Emily said...

Gotta love the bra-wedgie. I'm working on the weening too. I so long to have mine back too!

John and Mikelle Hafen said...

currently nursing 3 month old Ace I am loving your post! I understand all too well!!

Steph said...

I have two stories that take the cake on Nursing Lounges...

1) walked in (no I don't have a baby but you can see the 4x4 room from the bathroom...and there was a big old piece of crap (literally 6 inch long man crap) sitting on the couch...gross.

2) I walked into the bathroom (remember they are attached) and a homeless man walked out of the lounge...yeah, don't think I will be nursing at church much to say the least!

karen said...

good post !!! i'm starting to feel the same way-- getting a little tired of nursing elsa. it takes up a lot of time and if you want to be gone somewhere-- you have to plan when to be back home or have a spot where you can nurse the baby.. but you did an awesome job to nurse this FAR.. i know some people give up within 2 months of nursing. and she only have 3 more months to go till she can have cow milk if i'm right.. :)

Jessie said...

So wonderfully inappropriate Bethany...thank you!

I just watched a little documentary about nursing and about a mother that nurses her kids as long as they want to nurse. Her first daughter stopped at 5 years old and her second daughter who was currently almost 8 was still nursing and had no plan to ever blew me away...and not in a good way!

Way to take your boobs back for yourself. You go girl!

Chris and Tara Mason said...

I don't nurse and I am sooo happy with that decision (I know the LeLeche League police are going to come after me now). My theory is that I did my time carrying the baby for nine months - I want my body back! I want to be able to eat what I want. Besides that, I don't lose even an ounce when I am nursing. It is too depressing to be fat and have gigantic boobs for two years! I decided not to even try with Ben (I did try with Daniel) and it was the best decision I made! I was happier and was able to let Chris feed Ben in the middle of the night!

Bethany said...

awesome slash hilarious. hmm, i can see the dilemma. not so sure i want to have kids and nurse them now! ;)