Sunday, June 22, 2008

Bethanyisms (Salivary Juices)

I remember specifically the moment I first heard the term “salivary juices.” It was in my seventh grade English class and my teacher was grumbling about how she hated when students chewed big wads of gum and their “salivary juices” spilled out of their mouths and onto their desks.

I chuckled to my seventh grade self for two reasons:

First, because only a dorky teacher would say “salivary juices” instead of the customary “spit.”

Second, because I was always spilling salivary juices regardless of whether there was gum in my mouth or not.

I drooled sometimes.

I can’t lie; this malady continues to plague me.

And it almost ruined my life once…

Ryan and I were dating and had just spent a good half an hour cuddling (making out) in his super hot sports car. I opened the car door (to de-fog) and rested my head on his shoulder.

Gravity can be a tricky booger sometimes—stapling us to the floor, causing body parts that are supposed to be “perky” to not be, drawing large quantities of fluid from our mouths onto objects that would much prefer to be dry…

My mouth had only been open a titch but, by George, you wouldn’t believe the amount of “salivary juices” that poured out. Pints. Gallons. Mother Niagara actually called me up a few days later asking for guidance.

I tried to slurp it back up before it met its target, but that was be like asking a flash flood to kindly turn around and go back from whence it came. The spittle funneled down Ryan’s arm and pooled in the center of his leather-upholstered bucket seat.

While not privy to the exact expression on my face at the moment, I would imagine it looked similar to this:

I was horrified. I didn’t want to meet Ryan’s eyes. I was certain he’d break up with me forever and demand I repay all of the cash he had ever spent taking me on dates, including all the money he’d spent in gas... with interest.

That’s what I would have done.

I finally mustered the courage to look at Ryan. He was silent and rather expressionless for a moment/eternity. Then a weird noise came out of his mouth. I strained to make sense of the noise. Could it be? Was he… laughing?


He was roaring with laughter. He thought the drool was amazing. He thought it was hilarious. He thought I was hilarious. He loved me. He wanted to marry me.

So I started laughing… I mean, it was kind of awesome. I’d drooled before—tons of times—but never to that magnitude. I should win some sort of award.

So Ryan and I laughed and laughed… the kind of laughter that wrings your esophagus and makes you gasp for air. I even fell out of his car onto the freezing pavement and rolled around for a little while.

Even though there have been plenty of “salivary juice incidents” since then, Ryan occasionally reminds me of that special moment when I almost drowned him in his own car.

I also like to remind him that 50% of that spit was probably his.


Bart said...

THAT was funny, Bethany. I love imagining that scenario and both of your responses.

Evan & Rebecca Jones said...

I seriously think you are the funniest blog I read. You always have me laughing out loud. This whole situation was way too funny.

Chris and Tara Mason said...

That is too funny! When Chris and I were dating, I had my wisdom teeth pulled out (to prepare for my mission - ha ha). Chris was so sweet and offered to pick me up from the dentist. Unfortunately when he did, a small, yet embarrassing amount of bloody saliva slipped from my numb mouth onto his hand. Luckily I still was able to land him!

Hmm - I wonder if saliva is really the true love potion? Perhaps we should bottle some up and sell it on the premise that it helped us get married!

Heather & Trevor said...

You are so funny! I love that pic of you in the rollers! I do the same thing! You have great hair by the way! :)

Logan and Emily said...

you have a good man there! a guy I dated did that to me once and I just couldn't get over my fear of kissing him. haha. needless to say...things didn't work out. great story. great writing!

Kristy said...

Oh, that is grossly hilarious. I love you, Bethany!

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